TCK Life: On Returning “Home” (and 5 things that you can do to make the most of it)

TCK Life is a new series of sorts that will be on this blog, mainly dedicated to people who have grown up overseas or in a country other than their passport countries (ie. MKs, TCKs, etc.). However, cultural differences can be observed across gender, racial, and class as well, so if this sounds like something that would benefit you as well, please continue reading!

I have a US passport. I was born in the USA. But if you ask me where home is? That’s a little bit more complicated. Sometimes, it depends on which country I’m in at the moment. Now is home here or actually halfway across the ocean? Other times it depends on who’s asking. Are they making small talk or do they really actually care? And sometimes, it just depends on how I’m feeling and if I want to tell strangers every last detail of my life. So you see, I was born here, but then grew up over yonder, and now live way over there…make sense?

Regardless of where you grew up though, coming “home” to your birth country can be all sorts of difficult. You’re supposed to fit in, you look like you fit in, but you actually don’t. You don’t understand any of the cultural references, people dress and talk weirdly, and you still don’t feel like you fit in. Add to that, you don’t know anyone at your college, the rest of your family is halfway across the world, and you are naturally shy, and you’ve got one big situation.

That’s kind of what my freshman year of college was like. Not to say that I hated college; for the most part it was really good. But I didn’t feel like I belonged, like I was at home. That continued for about two years of life. I mean, I had friends and I had fun outside of class. I learned what was good in the cafeteria and what wasn’t. I Skyped my family weekly and visited them over winter break, but my dorm wasn’t “home.”

Then comes junior year. I had spent the summer abroad, interning and visiting my family, and truth be told, I really didn’t want to come back to the States. But obligations, as well as a desire to finish what I started pushed me back onto the plane headed for the USA. And you know what? It’s been a pretty great year so far. I absolutely love my apartment-mates, most of my classes and the other activities that I’m involved with. But that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy…I’ve always found that it’s harder for me to come back to the USA than to go abroad, and this time is not exception. Even though I don’t think that I experience culture shock in the same way that first-timers do, it affects me in little ways. I lose my appetite for a while about three weeks after returning, I have a few headaches, and about once every month or so, there’s a day when American culture just overwhelms me. So what made this time different? Here’s a few things that I think helped:

1. Consciously decide that you want to be there and belong.The first two years that I was at college, I resisted calling college home, because I didn’t want to belong here. In some ways, I was holding on to the past, wanting that to define me, and not willing to acknowledge that my old home wasn’t home really anymore. Retrospectively, I think I enjoyed being different from everyone else and not identifying with American culture, even though at the same time I desperately wanted to fit in. Stating with little things though, even getting caught up on “American movies” like The Avengers and The Lord of the Rings, helps you to understand little references and jokes that you otherwise would have missed. Not to say that everything in American culture should be adopted, because there are some cultural norms which should be avoided, but making a concerted effort to adapt to American culture is really beneficial in the long run.

2. Make your dorm home. There’s pretty much no possible way for you to settled if you don’t feel at home in your dorm room. And there’s a lot to making a room a home than decorating it. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but your room has to be a place where you can relax and completely be one hundred percent you. Maybe the fact that I have a kitchen in my apartment has helped with that this year, but this is the first year that my room is a place that really feels like home to me.

3. Befriend Americans. So maybe this is a super obvious one, but maybe it’s not. If you want to really transition well into American culture though, you need to have American friends. Like the American American ones, not the ones that grew up overseas like you did. You want to know something else about them? They’re really really fabulous people, and you can be just as good friends with them as you can be with people who grew up overseas. And if they’re as wonderful as my friends, they’ll help you learn more about American culture and they’ll let you share about your life overseas too!

4. Realize that you are more than your TCKness. It took me a while, but I think it’s important to recognize that you are more than being a TCK. Yes, that is a very big part of your life, and it will probably affect your life to some degree for the rest of your life, but you are more than a TCK. You have passions, dreams, goals, hobbies. And your identity is more than just being a TCK. That might take some time to come to grips with and to accept, but I think  it’s really important to realize that during your adjustment back to your home country. I think that this helps you to appreciate being a TCK but also allows you to continue with life to explore and learn so much more.

5. Give yourself time. If you spent the majority of your life overseas, you won’t be able to just snap your fingers and adjust back to life in your home country. One adult that I highly respect, who lived overseas later in her life, once told me that for every year you live abroad, it takes a year to adjust back. So if you spent ten years abroad, be prepared for a long transition 🙂 But in all seriousness, give yourself permission to take time, go slow, and progressively transition into your home country’s culture. There will be times that you make mistakes, and there will be times when you are so homesick it hurts. But there will also be times that are so fun and memorable that make everything worth it. Hold onto those memories and add them to those that you already have. Because in the long run, as all TCKs know, it’s so much better to invest deeply and have to say the painful goodbyes than it is to refuse to build relationships and have a shallow existence.

I hope some of these tips helped you, if your struggling with transitioning. If you have any other ideas or tips for transitioning that you’d like to share, leave them below in the comments!

Through My Eyes…Women Overseas

Traveling and seeing new places has always been appealing to me. I love the opportunities that I get to try authentic versions of foods that, until that point, I had only know the “Americanized” versions of. I love seeing a new city, hearing new languages, and seeing another facet of this wonderful world. I used to do most of my traveling with my family, but now as a college student, more of my traveling is on my own. And while my love of travel hasn’t lessened at all, I’ve had to adjust to and learn a few things as a solo female.

1. Mastering the indifferent I-don’t-see-you face
That may sound like a funny thing if you haven’t traveled a whole lot, but your expressions are a very important thing to keep in check when your traveling on your own, especially where I’ve been recently. Smiles and even eye contact can be seen as encouragement to men, so keeping a stoic face that is a mix of boredom and disinterest goes a long way. Also, if you have a pair of sunglasses, that solves the problem of trying to avoid eye contact on the street and in public transportation.

2. Keeping that face on when you’re in public
That face that I mentioned above? It might not be too difficult to compose your features into that mask, but it’s hard to keep it there when guys start catcalling and yelling “Hello” across the street. If you can pretend you don’t hear any of that, you’ve mastered the second step. Yes, it’s unsettling, but hold it together until you’re far away from them.

3. Having a background story ready to pull out of your back pocket
I have talked to a lot of women, especially if they are single, who have had similar experiences to mine. If you are in a situation where you are for some reason alone with a guy (maybe you’re in a taxi or something), it’s really helpful to have a fake story prepared. If you’ve ever wanted to be a spy, here’s your chance to pretend you’re someone else. Make up an imaginary name, a family (husband and maybe children), an occupation, etc. Some of my friends even have fake rings 🙂 Not everyone is creepy, but it’s good to be prepared, just in case.

4. Being aware of your surroundings
This is a good rule to remember no matter where you are and who you are. Often it’s easy to get caught up in your own thoughts and forget where you are. Staying alert will go a long way in making sure that nothing bad happens. Also, general safety rules apply the same as they do when you’re home. Don’t walk in dark, sketchy places late at night by yourself, etc.

5. Don’t let the fear of what hasn’t happened keep you from enjoying your time
Yes, it’s smart to be safe, be alert, and be prepared, but don’t be so afraid of what could happen, that you let your fear keep you from experiencing travel to it’s fullest. There is so much to see in this world, and you’ll miss it if you let a few catcalls and such keep you away.